How to be happy...

BY RICHARD CARLSON, PHD.


Editor's Note: Sadly, as you may have already heard, acclaimed author Richard Carlson died unexpectedly on Dec. 13th at the young age of 45. The following article, based on Richard's book, You Can Be Happy No Matter What, is a good reminder to cherish life and all its joys and to not let outside circumstances determine how happy (or unhappy) we are.

Happiness as a Priority

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN INTERESTING to me that the average person (go ahead and ask them), spends ten times (or more) the amount of time watching television than he or she does even considering happiness. In fact, in one poll that I conducted, not a single person out of more than 30 people admitted to spending even one second thinking about how they might go about becoming happier! Some of these people spent anywhere from 2-7 hours a day in front of a television set, yet not one minute contemplating what could amount to the most important question of one's life - how can I be happier? One of the first rules of any venture is that in order to get somewhere, you need at least a general idea of how to get there and, at very least, where you are going!

We're really lucky in a way as learning to be happy is a very easy thing to do. In fact, happiness is our natural state. If left to our devices and if we could find a way to stop interfering with the flow, we'd be extremely happy right now. So, while life did not come with an instruction book on happiness, it really didn't have to. By following some really simple principles and also knowing how to get out of our own way, we can become extremely happy, regardless of our present circumstances.

Most people would agree with the notion that when a baby is born, he or she is a fairly clean slate. In other words, they aren't vicious, reactive, judgmental, dissatisfied, prejudice, jealous, or angry. Instead, they are simply little beings who are curious and open to learning. Unfortunately, most of the time they eventually learn some pretty negative thinking which leads to some pretty unhappy times.

We are taught that our thoughts are real and that we should pay attention to them. Problem is, they aren't real; they are just thoughts.

Think of a time when you were, say, driving home from a baseball game and on the last play of the game, your favorite player, dropped an easy ball and blew the game and the season for your team and all the fans, you being one of them. You're now in the comfort of your own home and the outcome of the game is brought up by other members of your family. You start to think about the dropped ball and you start to get depressed. You launch into a lecture about how the team needs new outfielders! Yikes, it's happening all over again!

It's as if the dropped ball is happening all over again in your living room. As you think about it, you get more and more distressed; after all, you rationalize, he "did" drop the ball!

That's true he did drop the ball. But let me show you how easy it is to dismiss that thought now that the event is over. You're about to see that while the unfortunate event did occur, it's now only a harmless thought with no power over you other than that which you give it. And once you realize this, happiness will be moments away.

Have you ever been driving and some other driver nearly knocks you off the road - maybe even comes within a foot or two of killing you? It's happened to me a few times in the almost 30 years that I've been driving. Whether it has ever happened to you or not, pretend for a minute that it did. Imagine the thoughts that would be running through your mind while you were still heated. I can imagine the thought "I should kill that guy," being one of your thoughts, or something similar, relating to some sort of revenge. Now the question becomes, would you do it?

I mean it. Would you kill the driver? Of course you wouldn't. And other than the facts that it's against the law and that you're a moral person, why wouldn't you act on that thought? The reason is simple: The thought was just a thought - like the thousands of other thoughts that run through your mind every single day. You realize it was just a thought and you promptly dismiss it. This doesn't mean you aren't a little spooked or that you don't care - of course you do. But by dismissing the thought, you put the event behind you, opening the door for you to move into the present moment and be happy in this moment instead of caught up in a thought that is just a thought, like all other thoughts - including the thought of the baseball player dropping the ball. Today, as we live our life, that event is merely a thought carried through time, via our own thinking. As long as you see it - not as a reality to contend with, but as a simple thought - you are free to live right now, in this moment. Because thoughts are just thoughts (all of them) you have the power to drop any thought, at any time. You are absolutely in charge and have the last say! This is the ultimate in taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.

Here's a little more food for though. Let me ask you a funny question. Would you ever, even for a moment, consider writing yourself a nasty, mean-spirited letter and then mailing that letter to yourself? Then, when you get the letter you open it and you're immediately offended by the mean and obnoxious content! You storm around the room and act all out of sorts!

Of course this would never happen in a million years, but why? The reason is that you would be aware that it was you who wrote the letter. How silly would it be to write a letter and then become upset by that very letter?

Well, that's the exact same logic we can apply to our thinking. Think about it carefully. Why would you ever have a thought - any thought, no matter how negative or scary - and then become nervous, reactive, angry or in some other way bothered by it?.. Remember, it's just a thought you're having, just like all the others. And what's more important, you're the one who produced the thought to begin with. Being upset by your own thoughts is a little like smashing your head against a wall and wondering why your head hurts.. Remember, you wouldn't act on a scary thought like killing another driver, no matter how bad he or she was - why? Because it was just a thought. The secret to a happy life is to realize that all of our thoughts are just thoughts.. True, things happen all the time, but once they are over - or if they haven't happened yet, they are just thoughts. Before I close, take one last look at that ball player who dropped the ball. Regardless of how high the stakes were, it's now, today, right now, nothing more than a thought - no more or less important than any others! Try applying this logic to all of the thoughts that run through your mind and, pretty soon, you'll be dropping any negativity you've been burdening yourself with - and what you'll be left with is - you've got it - happiness!!


The Ingredients of a Happy Life

IT WASN'T UNTIL about 25 years ago that I realized how simple it really is to be happy. Notice I didn't say it's always easy - although it often is that too! What I have discovered is that virtually anyone, by learning about five simple concepts, can become much happier than ever before. I don't mean happy "all time," but most of the time for sure, and even when we lose our way, it's pretty simple to guide ourselves back in the right direction.

Let me introduce five simple principles very briefly here and then I'll speak a little bit about their applications in our daily lives.

ONE - The Principle of Thought
In short, our ability to think creates our psychological experience of life and most importantly, thinking is a voluntary function. In other words, we produce the thoughts - we think them up!.. And, with no time in-between, we feel the effects of those thoughts. That's why it's so critical to be aware that you are the one producing and thinking your own thoughts.

If you ever tried to scare yourself with your own voice, you'd be out of luck. Why? Because, very simply, you'd always be one step ahead of yourself - you'd know it was you who was saying "boo!" By becoming aware that we are the producers of our own thoughts, we can have a similar insight. We will always have thoughts to contend with, but once we realize that we create and produce them, it's pretty hard to be freaked out by them. Instead of bumming ourselves out or getting angry or scared, we simply say to ourselves, "Whoops, there I go again," reminding yourself that you're having what you might come to call a "thought attack." If you have any type of thought and know it's "just a thought," and it's stemming from inside of you, it's easy to drop it, and bring yourself back to this precious moment.

TWO - The Principle of Moods
The principle of moods is incredibly simple.. When we're in a "good" mood, life generally looks pretty good.. But when we're in a "bad" mood, the same life (and that's the key!) - the exact same life - looks drastically different. All of a sudden the partner you were so in love with is problematic, the car you drive doesn't look so good and your future looks less than promising. But how can this be? While in a good mood, you're totally in love, the car you drive is absolutely fine and your future looks great. I could give a hundred other examples, but I'm sure you get the point. Your life doesn't change - only your mood does. Knowing this changes everything. When you're down, you feel it and you make allowances for it. You don't take your own thinking very seriously at all. Instead, it's a waiting game. You wait until your mood returns to a better state and then you think about your problems. Same with other people.. You begin to recognize when someone is in a low mood and when they are, you don't take what they say and do very seriously. It's really that simple. Everyone is subject to moods and when any of us are in a low mood we will say and do things we wouldn't even consider while in a better frame of mind. Knowing this is a huge advantage. You learn to make allowances for others and their moods - and you get used to the expression, "But for the grace of God, go I."

When you do suppose most people discuss their problems? While in a low mood of course, because that's when life has a sense of urgency.. But, ironically, you can't solve a problem when you're low because you have lost your wisdom, common sense and happiness. But when your mood rises, you'll have your wisdom back and life will look good again! I used to tell couples about this trick all the time and, frequently, one of the partners would say to me, "But Richard, if we waited until our mood rose to discuss our problems, it wouldn't seem like we had problems to discuss."

"That's the point," I would say.

THREE - The Principle of Separate Psychological Realities
Essentially, this means that because we all think uniquely, we each live if a separate psychological reality. This one is easy to apply. All you have to do is expect, rather than be surprised or disappointed when someone disagrees with you or can't see things your way. Of course they can't!

FOUR - The Principle of Feelings
This is probably my favorite and is certainly the simplest. Essentially, all you have to do is pay attention to your feelings. Then, depending on what you are feeling, you use that information to guide you as to what to do. For example, if you're angry, instead of "thinking" about why you're angry, you use the angry feelings to remind yourself that you're a little off base, because again, your goal is to be happy. You must be thinking angry thoughts or you would be having different types of feelings. Your feelings, positive or negative, are not "bad," they are simply information and they are foolproof in letting you know where you stand and what needs to be done.

FIVE - The Principle of the Present Moment
The last principle is to live more of our life in the present moment. By using our feelings, we can tell when our mind is drifting away from this moment - which is so common in today's world. But as you bring your attention back to just this moment, you'll begin to feel the joy of each precious moment of life. When you're bothered or irritated, it will usually be because you're thinking about something that is already over or something that is yet to be. Practice bringing your attention to the here and now and you'll be one of the happiest people on earth! Life is a magical adventure when you are right here to enjoy it!...